- "It's very normal"
- "It happens to a lot of people"
- "At least it happened early"
- "At least you know you can get pregnant"
- "It won't happen again" etc...
Their words were of no comfort to me. I stuffed my pain deep inside, thinking I was being a wimp about it. However, the pain resurfaced time and time again until 6 months later my older sister "gave me permission" to grieve. She validated my pain, and helped me to realize that it was a very real loss for me.
OUR SECOND ATTEMPT
A couple months after that we found out I was pregnant again. This news came with dread instead of joy. What if I miscarry again? There were tears instead of excitement as I told my family of the "happy" news...I was so afraid. My fears were confirmed when I went to the doctor and it was again a very weak pregnancy, and likely to miscarry. My second pregnancy ended a week later. This time, however, I allowed myself to grieve. I found a Christian book on miscarriage that helped me to understand that my baby, though he/she was really a tiny ball of cells at the time of loss, was alive, and that I will see him or her in heaven one day.
OUR WAITING (AND MY OWN OBSESSING).
AS I DREW CLOSER TO GOD HE DREW CLOSER TO ME.
I knew what I was feeling
was not what God wanted from me, so I began to seek Him more. I did everything I could to draw closer to Him, begging Him to take this burden from me. I was so hungry and thirsty for Him to speak to me and help me. At one point I remember crying out to Him saying,
"I'm like the woman in the Bible who wanted to be healed and was healed just by touching the hem of your garment. Please let me touch the hem of your garment and be healed!"At that moment He showed me Isaiah 40:11'
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart..."Through that verse, what I felt was a slap in the face saying,
"You are acting like a desperate woman! You are NOT a desperate woman. You act like you have to chase after me, but you don't realize I am holding you in my arms."That was such a wake up call to me, and from that moment, I had a picture of God holding me, carrying me in His arms, walking me through this time of trial. He became more and more every day my source of strength. Every day I was getting stronger in His word through my own quiet time with Him (I was getting up at 5:30 a.m. just to start my day with God), and through my pastor and other Christian speakers and authors. I verbally bound the spirits of control, obsession, and envy and cast them to the depths of the sea.
GOD SPOKE TO ME THROUGH OTHERS IN MY LIFE.
About 8 months after my second miscarriage, God began to send people to me.
1. MY SISTER.MY HEALING.
First he sent my 6 month pregnant sister to visit me. I was very nervous about her visit, but it was therapeutic for me. How could I envy someone I love so much? How could I not love my nephew growing inside her? I felt healing and love where envy had stood.
2. MY COWORKER.
Next, God gave a Christian coworker of mine a "word of knowledge" in the form of a vision. She saw me very pregnant, twice, and said to me, "In the name of Jesus you will have your baby. Thank you Jesus for this baby."
3. A COUPLE FROM ARGENTINA.
Last He sent a Christian couple who was visiting the U.S. from Argentina. They hadn't planned on visiting us, but felt God leading them to share their story of struggling with infertility with us. They also proclaimed that in Jesus name we would have many children. My husband said, "See how much God loves you? He is sending people to speak to you."
By this time, I was healed on the inside, not only because of the hope that had been given to me, but because God healed my broken spirit and had grown me immeasurably. I am a different level of Christian today than I was before. I have more faith in God's Word and in His plans for our lives. I thank Him for the difficult time He allowed me to go through (though I am thankful it is over)!
THIRD TIMES A CHARM.
Surely enough about a month later I wasn't feeling well, took a test, and was pregnant. This time the news was received by my husband and I with rejoicing! I knew this baby was here to stay. God needed me to go through the trials of the previous 2 years so that I could find Him as my only source of strength. Our daughter is due in a few weeks, and I rest in the fact that this was His perfect timing for her to arrive, and that He will provide for all our needs.