Those are the well chosen words to a song I just listened to this morning. That's been my prayer over and over and over again this year. I would go into work at the retail shop I used to work at and I would weave between the racks of clothes praying to God, "God, you love me, right?" I mean, sincerely that was my daily prayer, and I can't tell you why. It was just this feeling I couldn't shake.
Have you ever felt like that? It's a humble feeling. It's not a fun-I'm-gonna-call-my-friends-on-a-Friday-night-and-see-what-everybody's-doing-kinda-feeling...it's like a broken down "I guess this is where I'm at sooooo...uhhh....God? You love me, right?" kinda feeling..."
To be in this place is to be in a fragile place-a place of vulnerability. A person hitting this spot in their life is not usually the one seeking out their highest hopes for themselves, living up to their greatest potential, striving to be the next American Idol at all cost. Sarcasm is a way of coping. The idea of American Idol (or other things like that) start to seem humorously ridiculous to someone in this frame of mind. Why would anyone do THAT? :)
Obviously, I have some things to work through. I am. Don't worry. I mean, pray for me, if you feel led, but know that God is dealing with me day by day and I am not at a stand still or I would not be able to write this with such honesty. Someday I will be able to disclose more of my "reality" but today will not be that day.
Today I want to leave you with this:
There was a time when Ecclesiastes was my book--it's the "everything is meaningless" book in the Bible. I could relate to that mindset. I am happy to say that God brought a new book to my attention the other day. I began to relate to the Psalms more...not the ones where David asks God to kill off his enemies and such...the ones where he refers to his relationship with God and what it has meant to him. What a refreshing change of pace!!!!!!!! Here's a little bit from Psalm 139: (along with some of the tidbits I felt like God was trying to say to me specifically that I thought might be beneficial to someone else as well)
and you know me.
(no one else knows you... in fact, even you don't understand yourself to the extent that God does. God knows things about you -your genetic make-up, your history, your future, etc.-that even you can't wrap your mind around)
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
(he knows what you are thinking and why you are thinking it...you may surprise a lot of people by being how "weird", "different", "insensitive", "sinful", etc. you are, but you don't surprise God--He gets you)
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
(He sees what you are up to, He knows why you do what you do. Where a boss might be quick to harp on you for being late, God sees why are late...no explanation necessary...does that make sense?)
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
(Bleh! . . . yiddy dibbiddy. . . see? He knew I was gonna do that?)
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
(mmm. . . ahhhh. . . . READ that one again!!! Hem me in, and lay your hand upon me--comfort. . . Thank you Lord for your hand of comfort and protection.)
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
(Thank you God for loving me and taking care of me, protecting me, knowing all the different sides of me that make no sense to anyone else and that stuff to me that even I cannot explain if I tried. Your knowledge is too wonderful to me, and gives me reason to trust you all the more)
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
(Thank you that you are always with me...especially on my hard days)
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
(even my genetic make-up...the things that set me apart that make others look at me like I am from another planet...YOU decided to make those things a part of me, so I will choose to embrace those things.)
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
(I will choose to trust that you only would have made me this way if you wanted me this way, and that if for some reason you wanted me to be some other way that you would have made that happen. I will trust that who I am is what you consider to work well for your plan here on earth.)
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
(I'm not an "Ooops, good enough. I guess that will do" creation, but rather, an "okay, let's see, If I could make anything I wanted ((and I can because I am God)), this is EXACTLY what I would make at EXACTLY this time for EXACTLY this family, etc. etc..")
Thank you Lord, for giving us the Psalms to relate to. Thank you for using them to remind me that you know me and get me, so I can rest in your love for me. When I am sensing that I am being judged I can I turn to you and ask, "Who Do YOU say I am, again?" BELOVED!!! OH!!! That's a RICH word. That's a healing word. I need that word today. Thank you Lord, for calling each of us that no matter where we come from. We are not a mistake to you. NOPE. We are your BELOVED!!! Amen.
AWESOME SONG TIME!!!!!!!!!!